Sheikh Casha Fatwalleta has today completed the buyout of Bolton Wanderers FC and in his first act of business he arrived at the Macron Stadium in his personal helicopter accompanied by members of his cousin King Doshi Bigabucks elite Special Forces Unit who carried out a lightning two pronged assault inside the main offices. Our sources understand that Phil Gartside, Douglas Freedman, Leonard Lawrence and several other lesser members of Moonshift Staff were escorted from the building to a waiting cargo container. One of our sources alleges that the container was marked 'To Timbuktu, one way only.' Other reports allege that it carried the international symbols for radioactive and toxic waste and printed instructions that require the container to remain sealed until at least 2214. The container itself was attached to a lorry that was last seen heading for the Port of Liverpool and we understand it is due to be dispatched on the newly christened SS Syncascot which is registered in Panama and is believed to be sailing to Timbuktu.
In further developments at the club we are informed that the Sheikh has also dispatched two other units to the Isle of Man with instructions to wake one Mr E 'Rip Van Winkle' Davies or come back with proof that he is in fact a cleverly designed hologram whose programming broke down in 2007 and has not functioned since.
Shiekh Fatwalleta made no comment when asked what had happened to the former chairman, board of directors and management team at Bolton Wanderers but when pressed he did say that Jules Verne had inspired his decision on how to deal with the issue although he would not give any details.
The club is expected to make an announcement tomorrow concerning alleged violations of the Geneva Convention in which video footage of Bolton Wanderers matches and recent post match press conferences were apparently used in both Afghanistan and Iraq to make insurgent prisoners talk when all other methods had failed. The CIA has firmly denied any wrongdoing and stated that they did NOT pay Mr Gartside large bribes in order to have Mr Freedman appointed and they deny any similarity to the alleged "Operation Ginger Snap" where a previous Bolton manager's press statements were allegedly read to Saddam Hussein while he waited for his trial.
"Such behaviour would violate the Geneva Convention and International Law and as such we categorically deny that any such misconduct was carried out by any of our forces anywhere in the world." General Norman Schwartzkopf, Allied Commander of Operation Desert Storm said in an interview with CNN late last night. "Waterboarding, extraordinary rendition, sleep deprivation, yes, those were all legitimate interrogative tools but not even the most sadistic and psychopathic member of the CIA would use those horrific things." His hand visibly shook when shown DVD copies of Bolton Wanderers matches in the 2014/15 season along with their pre and post match press conferences.
Meanwhile back at The newly renamed New Burnden Park we are told that Sheikh Fatwalleta has paid all the club's debts from his lunch money and told the new chairman Sam Allardyce to use his tea money (estimated at around twenty billion dollars) to bring back Doris and start buying proper hobnob biscuits again while he nips home to find his spare impulse shopping cash before heading to a meeting with one Pep Guardiola somewhere in Germany after short stops in Rome, Barcelona, Madrid, Paris, and possibly London (where he will visit his youngest son's little corner shop to top up his mobile phone. We understand the shop is called Harrod's but this has not been confirmed as other sources believe it's called Fortnum and Mason.)
That's it here on Sky Sports News for now, join us after the break for an exciting review of the world tiddlywinks championship final between O. Coyle (Scotland) and I Holloway (England). No interviews here as we won't understand a thing either of them would say anyway .... see you after the break ...